3 Signs You Might Be Possessed by Beezlebub

Like bed bugs, Beezlebub is back.

Exorcists believed they had seen the last of the Beezlebub possessions in the late medieval period. However, in 2016, the dark one overtook the body and soul of a middle-aged man in Peoria, Illinois and has since been popping up in people all over the country, particularly in rural areas of the country.

The main symptoms for a Beezlebub possession are as follows:

-Overnight appearance of scaly wings in the middle of your back

-Sudden craving for the flesh of newborn infants and/or animals with unusually large eyes

-A stubby tail above your buttocks that can be extended to a lasso of steel when needed

-A mild fever and slight cough

Please bear in mind that these are general symptoms that could indicate possession by a number of spiritual entities or demonic overlords.

To determine whether you have truly been bedevilled by Beezlebub, we’ve gathered three lesser known symptoms here.

1. Reciting the Lord’s Prayer backwards in Swedish

Although individuals possessed by demons often compulsively start repeating the Lord’s Prayer backwards, they usually do this in their own language.

However, when possessed by Beezlebub, people often start doing so in Swedish even when they have no former knowledge of the language.

Scholars are unsure why this is the case. Common sense would lead us to believe that the dark one would prefer a language with more of a demonic ring to it, not one that makes you think of tall, healthy-looking blondes and meatballs.

One working theory is that IKEA has opened a branch in hell, with Beezlebub as its acting manager, but more research must be conducted before these finding are conclusive.

2. A sudden obsession with Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos or Richard Branson

Individuals possessed by Beezlebub often have a sudden and reverent obsession with one or more of these three billionaires.

For example, the middle-aged man from Peoria, Illinois who was first diagnosed with Beezlebub possession cut out 666 tiny heart-shaped pictures of Jeff Bezos and painstakingly drew hair and a moustache on each one. He then drove his car to the Walmart Supercenter, extended his scaly wings (not strong enough fly him there) and hurled the pictures at the faces of customers and employees while shouting “All hail, the glorious lord!”

Theories abound about the reasons behind this mysterious symptom. Some say it’s because Beezlebub is the prince of false gods while others have stated it may have something to do with the dark one’s status as the demon of gluttony and pride.

Personally, we believe he might just think it’s cool that these super rich guys want to conquer space.

3. Flies love you

Beezlebub is famously known as the “Lord of the Flies”, and these winged insects certainly do adore him.

If you are possessed by Beezlebub, a cloud of flies will follow you at all times, flying in a figure eight, star or clover shape and occasionally banding together to form a tiny top hat above your head.

On a positive note, though flies get a bad rap due to their hankering for filth and faeces, in the presence of their lord and master, they are honestly fun to watch.

If you have one or more of these three symptoms, contact your exorcist immediately, for Beezlebub most certainly dwells within you.

Unless the only symptom is saying the Lord’s Prayer backwards in Swedish and you are Swedish. In that case, you are most likely only possessed by a run-of-the-mill demon or a ho-hum malevolent ghoul.



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Rebeccah’s World

Rebeccah’s World

I like to write about stuff and laugh whilst crying inside. For more about me and my writing, check out rebeccahdean.com