4 Ways to Get to Know Your New Town During the Apocalypse
Congratulations! While most people are fretting about complete economic collapse and the pending apocalypse, not to mention when little Tommy will finally go back to school–gin is no longer helping!–you decided to up and move to a brand new spanking town.
That took guts!
The problem? Getting to know your new town isn’t easy when the entire world is smack dab in the middle of a pandemic.
But not to worry! Here are our tips for getting to know your new town and make lots of great new friends in the process!
Ask the pizza guy
No doubt about it, pizza delivers are essential workers which means you will definitely be able to get one to come right to your brand new house, even if it means they risk infection and/or a possible heinous death to do so.
When they come with your extra large Hawaiian style with extra anchovies, ask the pizza guy or gal–because that’s the kind of town you moved to, one where girls can deliver pizza!–about the lay of the land.
But start small. First ask them about your neighbors. Ask them the kind of things a pizza deliver notices, like who is a big tipper, who is a stingy bastard.
After that, move on to the more pressing questions.
Who has little kids? Mark down under people to avoid because, let’s face it, people with little kids are a snore. Who has two or more dogs? Mark down as fun! unless the dogs they have are overweight poodles or miniature Pit Bulls, then add but possibly scary?
Your pizza guy or gal can also let you know lots of other interesting stuff, like who orders drinks with their pizza and who tends to eat and/or drink their feelings and who tends to eat and drink their feelings and then get drunk and order more pizza.
Tip the driver with that two dollar bill you’ve been saving so that he/she spreads the word that you, the new kid on the block, are one zany guy/gal with great taste in pizza!
Please note that you do actually have to order a pizza in this case, so move on to the next point if you’re not hungry or hate pizza.
Just kidding! No one hates pizza.
Except maybe psychopaths.
Opps, sorry, we didn’t mean that. Please don’t hurt us, please.
Wear a fun mask
Yes, we all have to wear face and mouth coverings these days, but luckily we don’t have to wear eye coverings–at least not yet.
Take advantage of this freedom and show the folks in your new town what a fun guy/gal you are by wearing an eye catching mask!
Masks in Earth tones will let your new best friends know you’re reliable, masks in pastels will demonstrate you are easy going and will never borrow their lawnmower without returning it, masks in primary colors will show you are most definitely the life of the party, but in a good way.
Find colors tedious? Choose a mask with a logo or picture instead!
We recommend aww-factor images, like kittens playing with a colorful balls of string, or witty statement like “Will brake for mimes.”
Carry a megaphone
Let’s face it. Starting a conversation with strangers while wearing a mask and always standing six feet away isn’t very easy, not to mention a strain on your voice.
However, we do have one great tip that will help you be heard and get you lots of attention in the process: carry a megaphone!
When choosing the right megaphone, keep the same tips in mind we mentioned above about colors and logos, etc.
Please note: Although you may be tempted to get a super loud electric megaphone like the kind preferred by protestors and riot police, this may not be the best way to make a favorable first impression in uncertain times.
Therefore, we suggest starting with one of those analog types used by cheerleaders and soft spoken film directors.
Have a heart-to-heart with a pair of old shoes
Every town has them: those old shoes hanging from a telephone wire which were thrown there by some jokester or drunk or drunk jokester.
The good news? Those shoes have seen–and been through–a whole lot!
What better way to get some tips on the local characters, which storefronts are doomed to go out of business even though they have great foot traffic, typical weather patterns, and that time Maude Patterson almost ran over Henry Bloofers overweight poodle and the uproar it caused in town.
“Sorry,” the shoes might say, “but I side with Maude on that one. That dog is sad and, let’s face it, freakishly slow.”
To get the shoes to talk, you might first need to find the local Peyote dealer in your new town, but a quick visit to the dark web will get you that info in a snap.
Since you’re obviously a risk taker, you could also venture conjuring Beezlebub in your bathroom. Yes, the dark prince of devils is admittedly cranky, but he’s also a whizz at loosening the lips of a decrepit pair of sun-bleached Converse.
Good luck and much success in your new life in your great new town!